English, Racauan

Rest in Ponder (another manic depressive writing)

I don’t think life changes that much for every human, or living being that lived since life was first roam the earth. Existence and consciousness just made it seems special. With that, life has meaning. Because a meaningless life belong only to non sentient being. They don’t need meaning to exist. But let me stop there before I get too Heidegger.

I have a lot of things in my mind. Rambling stuff that most of the time I put in my journal that I called the book of healing. I don’t feel the need to write there anymore, not because I feel that I have healed. I just don’t feel the need to have secrets or control the way I speak my mind anymore. I don’t know if my mind would ever get back to what it used to be, you know, functional. I still have doubts on my own perceptions. But I believe I found the logic of, at least, my own existence.

There will never be a time when I’m not confused, or feel lost. But even in that insecurities or the unknown, I will keep moving forward, toward my end. I don’t know how I will die, in lost or in found. In a lost cause or found glory. I just keep moving, keep working, keep serving, keep helping and once in a while I rest.

I stopped my bipolar meds abruptly. People say it’s dangerous. But I had no money nor time to take care of my mind. I hope I will be okay, but I will accept if I will not be okay. So far, things are going the usual: that is not right. With or without meds, things are not right. But my reaction is kind of different now. My reaction is less angry. I accept all the bad things that happened and will happened in my life. And I embrace the good things, good little things in between disasters. I am enjoying the company of people I love. My friends, colleagues, students, relatives.

The rest, I let rest.

Though these past few days I am restless. My insomnia is back. I know how to sleep but I just don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep just to wake up tomorrow and work again, I want to have more time with myself though I know it’s not possible because I have responsibilities. And those responsibilities are very hard to handle, these days.

Whatever. This writing should be in my journal than in my blog but let just rest it here just because I need to fill this blog up with daily writing. And I think it would be better if someone is reading this, I think this writing is quite safe because it does not contain any suicidal thoughts or depression talk. Just rambling mumbling helpless safe stuff in my head. No evil deeds, no evil needs.

I write this for you my dear readers. thank you for reading this, thank you for having me so far.

Be happy, be healthy. I will be too after I rest.


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