English, Uncategorized

Fragment #3

Neon city from the 16th floor.

Haruki Murakami-esque.

Dim sum restaurant, a dark morning.

You made me burn, the chef on the background plays with flame and give effects on my narrative:

Stars a match.

Underpants patterns.

Listen.

Obey.

Jealousy.

Miss you.

Don’t know you.

Let you be.

Songs.

Poetry.

Absolution.

Dissillusion.

Unimaginable dreams.

Magical years in nanoseconds.

Irrelevant time.

Imperfection.

Scrubs on your skin.

Odorless Sweat.

Morning breath, smells like dew.

Fetish to your body.

If I were to find you

among a thousand lives,

I’d let you know

that I wasn’t there.

Hop hop.

Be on your way now.

English, Memoir, Racauan, Uncategorized

Mental Illness and a Little Bit Despair

I am feeling a little bit despair on the fact that more people around me are as sick or even worse than I am. Just a little bit could boiled me up in a state that I’m in.

Mental illness is a trend now, thanks mostly to the internet. I suspect urban Indonesians today are like the US in the 70’s, where psycho-somatic were trending because of newspaper’s pop psychology column. Suddenly everyone was sick and the mental hospital and anti-psychotic drugs industry were booming. A good (or bad) thing about Indonesia is that many of us are poor and uninformed. Not many of us can afford mental illness therapy not mentioning medications. State insurance psychiatric/psychologist aren’t that good either. So yeah, we’re fucked.

I know that mental illness are real, I am a patient myself. But you know, the more I know, the more I think of it as an overrated urban problem. Okay, kids are growing up wrong cuz their parents did not recognize their own depression or bipolar disorders. Some kids turned out violent for having a psychopatic violent Dad.

Misparenting is a major problem. And in turn, I know many millenials with mental illness as their parents left them untreated. Worse than their parents, these kids recognize their illness and prefer to not giving a fuck.

And money, oh money! Money give access to the expensive treatment with psycho meds that many people from middle lower class hard to get. For now, I am lucky enough to have the money for treatment, but as an independent contractor/freelancer, I don’t know what I’ll do next, when the money runs out. Once, I’ve tried stopping medications and treatment, and it’s getting worse. My meds are fucking expensive!

And seeing more friends got prognosis and diagnosed with mental illnesses, really turns me down. But for now, I have plans. For now I try to do the best I could to push the despair as low as possible.

English, Memoir, Racauan, Workshop

Experience Expectations Ecstasy

Rezeki di tangan Tuhan, produksi di tanganmu.

Melihat ke belakang, saya tiba-tiba sadar bahwa saya orang yang cukup produktif dan kadang saya heran apa yang memacu produktivitas itu. Saya ingat saya mulai menulis cerpen sejak umur 7 tahun, ketika saya baru bisa belajar baca-tulis. Saya pernah menderita ADHD sejak balita, jadinya saya late bloomers—saya baru bisa baca-tulis ketika umur yang lumayan tua, dengan bantuan guru privat.

Sebelum saya bisa baca tulis, selalu ada energi besar di diri saya untuk mencari tahu, membuat, atau merusak sesuatu. Saya selalu kehilangan konsentrasi pada hal-hal yang saya tidak suka, tapi begitu saya suka pada sesuatu, saya akan terobsesi. Produksi-produksi saya tidak bisa dibilang bagus atau berguna (bahkan hingga sekarang). Saya tidak bisa membedakan motivasi saya membuat karya, dengan seorang gila yang menyusun batu-batu kerikil di rumah sakit jiwa.

Dan seperti orang gila itu, saya bebal terhadap orang yang menyuruh saya berhenti dan bilang kalau produksi saya tidak ada gunanya. Bedanya dengan orang gila, saya senang ketika ada kawan atau lawan yang mengkritik karya saya, memberi masukan, dan membuat produksi selanjutnya lebih baik. Paling tidak mereka melihat dan memerhatikan apa yang orang gila ini sedang buat.

Dalam keadaan apapun, saya berproduksi. Bahkan ketika tidak ada uang yang cukup ketika kuliah dulu, saya berusaha bikin teater, film dari handphone, puisi, atau cerpen. Namun dari semua itu, harus saya akui saya belum punya “notable works”, atau karya yang diakui orang lain sebagai sesuatu yang baik. Kecuali mungkin beberapa tulisan di blog atau di webmagazine. Sebagai penulis, saya cukup puas karena tak pernah mengirimkan tulisan ke media, tapi diminta beberapa media untuk menulis. Lucu, seperti menulis, dalam hal pekerjaan pun saya tidak pernah melamar. Saya selalu dilamar. Bukannya sombong, saya cuma tidak berbakat menjual diri saya pada orang. Tidak pernah sekalipun dalam hidup saya, saya berhasil dapat kerjaan dengan melamar, atau mendapatkan proyek dari pitching. Ujung-ujungnya saya selalu ditunjuk orang.

Mungkin ada orang-orang yang kebetulan melihat produk-produk saya yang medioker itu. Soal pekerjaan, saya juga dikenal murah, tapi (semoga) tidak murahan. Saya tidak pernah berpikir soal uang ketika ditunjuk proyek. Saya hanya memikirkan apakah proyek ini sejalan dengan idealisme saya, dengan apa yang saya percaya. Kalau tidak sejalan, saya akan tolak dari awal.

Bicara soal itu, saya akan berganti profesi utama tahun 2020, setelah 4 tahun menjadi produser dokumenter video. Mau jadi apa? Gampang. Di usia ini saya tak banyak pilihan lagi. Saya jadi yang saya sudah jadi: videographer, penulis, pengajar, seniman. Mungkin coba-coba jadi pengusaha rendah resiko.

Semoga semesta mendukung.

English, Memoir, Racauan, Workshop

Desoluted 2019 and Resolution 2020

This is my first blog in 2020. In this writing I’m gonna write two things: first is the evaluation of 2019. And second is my plan for 2020.

2019 was a year of struggle for me. I have passed the worst year of my life, which was 2018, when my father died in January. I got into mental institution for having bipolar disorder not long after. And then my relationships with some people in my life, getting really really wrecked. It was a havoc. And I tried to fix it bit by bit in 2019 by making a structure in my life and to make my mental got better. I got laid off from my office in November, effective this early January. Now I have a few months to find a new job.

So in a nutshell, 2019 is kind of a transformative year for me. I don’t know what I’ll become in 2020 but I have some glimpse of it. I have some plans. 2020 is the year of revival of my old self, you know. It’s the Year of Creativity, where I will try my best to become this person that I’ve been longing to become .

And this year, I plan to use the first two or three months to have a free fall for my own business. I will devote myself to education and filmmaking. I will make it my priority.

So in 2020, I am officially will be self employed. And I will recruit some people, not as an employer, per se, but more like making them my partners and hoping that my self-built business will take off the way that I want them to be.

My purpose is for the community. And I’m hoping that I could make some sort of a financial independency from it. Not too much, but enough to keep my kitchen cooking, you know, and keep the fire burning, that’s my point.

And I will continue to make an education system that could be free for the gifted and the hard-workers. To be able to survive in this business I’ve had a meeting with some of my colleagues and we decided that that we will make some paid workshops to make ourselves to be more independent. We’ll still keep the free workshops, the scholarship workshops, as our platform.

Hopefully, some people could give value to it; some sort of investment because they will get more than just skills and portfolios.

While scholarship workshops will be more like guerilla filmmaking and they have to be gifted. They have to be talented in joining the scholarship. And that’s the first thing to do.

Second plan is developing my own production house, Talemaker communication, which will consist of two kinds of two kinds of work, the first work is all about content. So I’m going to propose some content like podcast videos, web series, whatever.

Hopefully I could meet you up and we could make some projects. Creative ones and, you know, social changing, social engineering projects through media or film or workshops or education, whatever that we can do to make life better.