Are there any possibilities that someone over-criticizes themselves or others? I don’t think so. I put the word critic, critical, as one of the highest modes of thinking. Criticism is what makes dialectic possible. If, and only if, someone is considered overcritical, they probably do it the wrong way.

Critic for me is an action that takes a lot of consideration. You need proper context and deeper thinking, you ought to ask the right questions, and you got to know what you don’t know. Spitting words to degrade someone is not a critic, it’s a bully. Telling yourself wrong and jumping to conclusions about yourself is as bad as bullying.

Thus, critics need to be done at the right time and in the right state of mind. And one has to be always aware of oneself objectively, no matter how one feels. The feeling cannot be criticized since it cannot be controlled. But one can always control one’s behavior if one’s body is healthy enough no matter how one feels.

Now, within this context, let’s talk about self-criticism. Let me first give an example, about myself.

I am diagnosed with manic depression, or Bipolar 1. I haven’t taken any medication for that disorder for almost two years. I am highly functional, and reading and writing therapy has helped me a lot in coping with my mental illness. Today I ‘feel’ like I have complete control of my life. I am content and happy, I am independent and able to help a lot of people, I work my job magnificently and I have doubts about all those good things.

These doubts come because I have experience in being tricked by my feelings whether they are negative or positive feelings. In my experience, being over-optimistic is another red flag of something wrong with me. So I try to write again and examine my writings and my feelings. Then I analyze it as if the person who wrote this journal is not me. Well, philosophically speaking, I am not the person I was when I wrote them. Different feelings, moods, time, and context.

I conclude that I have managed my manic disorder, but in the functionalities of my life, there are hidden suicidal thoughts that are fused with some type of depression. You see, I am quite proud that I can manage, predict, and control my manic state and depression state throughout years of therapy and struggle. I have gained success in terms of my work. I can eat whatever I want, and go wherever I go. I have the lovely girlfriend of my dream, the freedom to make films or teach or learn the things that I adore. In my manic state, I could write, shoot, teach, and produce a lot of things almost simultaneously. Then I will go home and had a deep rest because I was depressed. My depression is controlled. It is a logical consequence of my manic state. So I am functional because I recognize the cycle of my mania and my depression. Good?

Not exactly. Because my life now is just manic and depressed. I have a plan to care more for myself, eat healthy, have a regular sleeping cycle, and work out. But the plan is lost to the depression. And when the depression is gone, I need to get back to work.

There were times when I could overcome this easily. But it is getting harder to fix my life every time a long and hard project that creates irregularities is over. It’s getting harder to get out of bed after depression to reset my room or my body. I binged eating and trying so hard to be unhealthy.

At one point I even think, maybe I am having a subconscious suicidal tendency. I am starting to think that my behavior is a way to self-destruct.

Anyway, I think I need a shrink. Will get back to you guys after a few good sessions. In the meantime, I will enjoy this mood and irrelevancy of my life. It might be just my age factor–a symptom you have when you are almost 40 years old.

If you like what you read, don’t hesitate to treat me a cup of cheap coffee. It helps to know people are actually reading this.