Streaming thoughts on the night of August 17th, 2020, 3 15 a.m.

What if the outside world is really really screwed up. What if the people that I care about is being hurt, or having a very very bad day. If I’m waiting for a news of someone that I care about, and he or she doesn’t really have the time always being busy with his or her job and cannot reply back to me of course I’m kind of worried. But my reaction toward that kind of stuff is that I’m going to shut myself again, and I’m going to imagine there’s nothing outside of my room. And by doing that I’m cutting myself from the world, from the reality of life, and I am fully alone in my room having no connection whatsoever with the outside world. I’m also willing to cut off all connection to the internet, I could just turn my phone off, I’m willing to go to the extreme like uninstalling all communication apps.

It’s always like I don’t want to be treated this way, that’s why when I cannot get the news or update, or being FOMO, rather than being panicked or anxious I can just get angry and cut people off my existence. Of course it doesn’t really do that, like tomorrow I can still talk to them if my thoughts are wrong. Most often my thoughts are wrong, so it will be much easier to do this and not bugging other people who I’m worried about. But sometime, just sometime, if I’m right, it’s going to be one hell of an experience. And there goes the regret, the grief, and all the sadness that entails the fear of missing out.

Then when I have gone through years of depression and anxiety, I’m going to start to hurt myself or other people, or I could be just as functional as I can be and I’m going to be dependent to other people, being such a toxic person that my family and my friends will circle around me because I cannot function very well. The center of pathetic attention. I think most people will experience this kind of thing in their life at least once or twice.

As far as I can remember I’ve been in that kind of situation several times. In those times I was helpless. There is a piece of my mind that always think that I’m never really get out of that kind of state even when I’m functional, independently financially stable, but still my need of other people is quite high. Even though I am kind of introvert and enjoying myself a lot when I’m alone but most of the time I am dependent to other people. And the more I think about it, the more I read about it, there’s no other choice but to be dependent. I mean if you read Durkheim, you’ll know that even when you’re alone you are dependent to other people who make your clothes for you, build your room for you, build your bathroom even, you never really alone.

Anyway, I’m thinking about a lot of people. But mostly I’m thinking about one, you, or three people that I know to have a lot of problems and so heavy burden in their life in which I cannot help even a little bit. They can always say that I’m a good friend who listens to them who always try to give them advice or do research for them but in the practical way, I did absolutely nothing. Is that a negative feeling, a cognitive distortion, am I filtering all the positive thing in my life and made it negative? It might be so, but I think that I am alive and most of the time.. useless.

The problems outside of my room, are a lot. Some of those problems are here with me, in my phone, in my bank account, in my messenger chat. But I have the control just to cut it off. And I’m using that control to make a world of my own where I wish I could feel safe and sound. I’m just hoping that’s what I open my door tomorrow the problem has been resolved or it’s still there and I could work it out a bit until it’s solved. Even though I know, there are lots of problem that will never be over, and we’ll still always be there until the day I die. There’s nothing that time cannot heal, some old people say. But what if you don’t have time, guess when it’s over you won’t be there anymore. Such a wishful thinking. I think it’s time for me to go to bed, and being a place that I really like. A place where I could be alone, comfortable, and free. A place where I could use all my imagination of an idea world, in which I could control stuff that makes me sad and put it out, shut it out of my life.

Until next morning, if there ever be the next morning.


This is an authentic writing. No generative AI involved, just my genuine idiocy (might not have intelligentia at all). Anyway, if you like what you read, treat me a cheap cup of coffee by donating here will ya:

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