English, Memoir, Racauan

Guilt

You don’t deserve it

But you can try to earn it

The Gary, Final Space

So many bad things I’ve done. Burning bridges, taking for granted the love, the trust. I cheated, I lied, I hide, I told incredible stories that probably didn’t happened–I don’t know I was nuts.

The guilt haunts me in every breath that I took, and it doesn’t make me good. I m guilty as charged and I have admitted it. I have been punished by losing the things I love, people I care about, a home, sanity, and money.

And yet still I get happiness. And this happiness is my ultimate crime because I made people love me. I don’t deserve this love, this life. After all that I’ve done. But I’ve got the words to describe it now. Now that I am blessed with unbearable lightness of being, I’ve got to earn what has been given. That privilege should be a debt that can only be paid forward.

With every evaluated sin, wisdom should come forth. And wisdom is nothing but action to earn what has been given.

Blessed thy soul, you who have passed by and who will come forth. I cannot save you but I will endure you if I can.

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