psychology

English, Filsafat, Memoir, Racauan

Self-criticism is your only savior from yourself

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Are there any possibilities that someone over-criticizes themselves or others? I don’t think so. I put the word critic, critical, as one of the highest modes of thinking. Criticism is what makes dialectic possible. If, and only if, someone is considered overcritical, they probably do it the wrong way.

Critic for me is an action that takes a lot of consideration. You need proper context and deeper thinking, you ought to ask the right questions, and you got to know what you don’t know. Spitting words to degrade someone is not a critic, it’s a bully. Telling yourself wrong and jumping to conclusions about yourself is as bad as bullying.

Thus, critics need to be done at the right time and in the right state of mind. And one has to be always aware of oneself objectively, no matter how one feels. The feeling cannot be criticized since it cannot be controlled. But one can always control one’s behavior if one’s body is healthy enough no matter how one feels.

Now, within this context, let’s talk about self-criticism. Let me first give an example, about myself.

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I am diagnosed with manic depression, or Bipolar 1. I haven’t taken any medication for that disorder for almost two years. I am highly functional, and reading and writing therapy has helped me a lot in coping with my mental illness. Today I ‘feel’ like I have complete control of my life. I am content and happy, I am independent and able to help a lot of people, I work my job magnificently and I have doubts about all those good things.

These doubts come because I have experience in being tricked by my feelings whether they are negative or positive feelings. In my experience, being over-optimistic is another red flag of something wrong with me. So I try to write again and examine my writings and my feelings. Then I analyze it as if the person who wrote this journal is not me. Well, philosophically speaking, I am not the person I was when I wrote them. Different feelings, moods, time, and context.

I conclude that I have managed my manic disorder, but in the functionalities of my life, there are hidden suicidal thoughts that are fused with some type of depression. You see, I am quite proud that I can manage, predict, and control my manic state and depression state throughout years of therapy and struggle. I have gained success in terms of my work. I can eat whatever I want, and go wherever I go. I have the lovely girlfriend of my dream, the freedom to make films or teach or learn the things that I adore. In my manic state, I could write, shoot, teach, and produce a lot of things almost simultaneously. Then I will go home and had a deep rest because I was depressed. My depression is controlled. It is a logical consequence of my manic state. So I am functional because I recognize the cycle of my mania and my depression. Good?

Not exactly. Because my life now is just manic and depressed. I have a plan to care more for myself, eat healthy, have a regular sleeping cycle, and work out. But the plan is lost to the depression. And when the depression is gone, I need to get back to work.

There were times when I could overcome this easily. But it is getting harder to fix my life every time a long and hard project that creates irregularities is over. It’s getting harder to get out of bed after depression to reset my room or my body. I binged eating and trying so hard to be unhealthy.

At one point I even think, maybe I am having a subconscious suicidal tendency. I am starting to think that my behavior is a way to self-destruct.

Anyway, I think I need a shrink. Will get back to you guys after a few good sessions. In the meantime, I will enjoy this mood and irrelevancy of my life. It might be just my age factor–a symptom you have when you are almost 40 years old.

If you like what you read, don’t hesitate to treat me a cup of cheap coffee. It helps to know people are actually reading this.

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English, Memoir, Racauan

What Would I Do Without You

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This is a work of fiction.

A lot, actually. Life goes on.

But for now let me rest a little now that you’re gone. Because you took some of my nerves with you. My synapses break down, and I cannot control my hormones.

I am angry, sad, disappointed, confused and happy. Happy that you finally rest, and free from all the things life entangled. All the suffering and pain and pleasure, all the demands and the grudges and the hates, and the love. Ah, the love is broken now that you’re gone. But in pieces they lingers, in the space that used to be yours.

You believe in God, and Hell, and Heaven. But I think you deny me for being right, that none of those stuff exist. After you’re gone your energy dissipated, breaks and forms a lot of stuff, the living and the dead, the material defecated, the immaterial… They remain in everyone who know you. And you, you will be really gone when we all forget. Trust me, it’s a blink of the universe eyes. To forget.

Now, what would I do without you? I rest in war when you rest in peace. My rest will end, and I’ll be back fighting in no time, while your peace remains in eternal bliss. In my neurons and others, see you in dreams.

What would I do without you? My best. To live my post life, as long as I could. In letters that people can read. And when they cannot read these letters anymore then adieu… Adieu… Adieu….

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Memperluas Pandangan Hidup

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Salah satu hal yang paling menggaggu saya adalah perasaan bahwa saya kesepian, sendirian, atau bahwa saya subjektif sekali dan tidak ada kebenaran. Saya sadar bahwa ini adalah karena saya, dan kita semua, sebenarnya sangat terbatas cara pandangnya. Kita semua cuma punya satu sudut pandang: POV. Dan POV membuat kita punya titik buta dalam hidup, karena itu memori dan imajinasi dan struktur berpikir harus selalu kira pakai dan kita sempurnakan.

Kita semua hidup dengan POV (Point of View) dari dua mata kita. Akibatnya kita selalu punya titik buta. Titik buta memiliki beberapa konsekuensi yang berbahaya seperti egoisme, narsisistik, atau perasaan kesepian. Subjektif itu sudah bawaan lahir maka objektifitas adalah hal yang menarik untuk dibahas karena seperti kesempurnaan, tidak pernah ada objektifitas yang absolut. Untuk menjadi objektif kita perlu memori, imajinasi, dan struktur berpikir.

Memori kita pasti bercampur imajinasi. Karena ketika mengalami, kita hanya punya satu sudut pandang POV, maka untuk melengkapi memori itu kita memakai imajinasi kita tentang ruang, waktu, warna, cahaya, kata, bunyi. Akibatnya orang yang pikirannya sempit, referensinya kurang, imajinasinya terbatas, cenderung tidak bisa ingat dengan jelas apa yang terjadi pada hidupnya. Sulit untuk melihat hanya bermodalkan POV saja.

Maka imajinasi harus selalu kita kasih makan dan kita perkuat dengan referensi-referensi dari bacaan, tontonan, musik, dan pergaulan. Tapi ada yang harus diingat bahwa tanpa pengetahuan soal struktur atau cara berpikir, imajinasi yang terlalu kaya bisa membuat kamu jadi pembohong patologis, yaitu pembohong yang tidak sadar ia sedang bohong karena imajinasinya begitu kaya. Untuk menghindari itu kamu perlu ngerti gimana caranya bikin struktur pikiran yang logis.

Struktur adalah sebuah bangun yang dibentuk oleh sistem. Sistem adalah cara sebuah bangun bisa terbentuk. Misalnya strukturnta segitiga, sistemnya geometri garis dan sudut yang membentuk struktur itu. Dalam proses berpikir, harus selalu ada evaluasi soal konteks dan data untuk memakai imajinasi dalam menperkaya memori, agar memorinya hidup. Ibarat DNA dinosaurus di Jurrassic Part yang menggunakan DNA amphibi dan reptil untuk menyempurnakan strain yang hilang, imajinasi kita pakai untuk mengisi ruang-ruang kosong atau memperbaiki memori yang rusak.

Saya kasih sedikit contoh. Ada sebuah kalimat, “Saya pergi ke pasar membeli xxx untuk masak di rumah.” Kita lupa apa itu “xxx,” Maka kita cari dengan melacak konteksnya. Masak apa di rumah, apa saja yang jelas kamu ingat, siapa yang di sana. Kalau ternyata banyak yang kosong dan tidak kamu ingat, bisa jadi itu adalah mekanisme pertahanan otakmu tentang apa yang terjadi hari itu, yang bisa menimbulkan trauma atau perasaan nggak nyaman. Mungkin ada baiknya tidak usah diingat. Tapi kalau kamu seperti saya yang kepo, saya akan terus meneliti dengan cara tilas balik dalam tulisan, meditasi, membaca, dll. Saya nggak suka mendem-mendem.

Kita akan terus menyempurnakan ketiga hal itu sepanjang hidup kita sampai di masa prima kita di usia 40an, lalu hidup akan mulai terbalik dan menurun sampai kita menua dan mati. Tapi selama kita bisa meninggalkan memori dan memperkaya imajinasi orang lain semasa jaya kita, maka kita ikut untuk menyempurnakan peradaban yang tidak pernah sempurna.

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