podcast, Uncategorized

Eps 1: Remedial | Narasi, Agama, Ateisme, Ritual, dan Penyembuhan Penyakit Mental

Ini adalah episode perbaikan dari episode 1 dan 2 kemarin yang gue hapus karena kualitas audio buruk, dan permintaan beberapa kawan. Di sini gue bicara… seperti yang tertera di judulnya. Ada dua saluran di bawah ini, anchor buat yang ga langganan spotify. Kuy lah!

Tolong yang imannya nggak kuat nggak usah denger ya. Gue nggak berniat debat atau argumen. Nanya boleh, debat jangan. Ini cuma pemaparan.
Cinta, Eksistensialisme, English, Puisi, Uncategorized


My hunger

I have told you this thousands of years ago

my hunger

is a monster you can never comprehend

Hell, I can’t even comprehend it myself

My hunger, my hunger

I run like mad horse

a black cube in the desert floating

made of pitch darkness

bottomless vacuum

my hunger, my hunger

How can I love you and live with this hunger

but how can I tell you about this hunger

when you have lost your limbs for me

And my dear doctor asked

“Will you satisfiy your hunger with a new prey?”

To be honest I’d rather die

Yet here I am devouring love

of a Goddess while chewing

at yout bones

English, Uncategorized

Fragment #3

Neon city from the 16th floor.

Haruki Murakami-esque.

Dim sum restaurant, a dark morning.

You made me burn, the chef on the background plays with flame and give effects on my narrative:

Stars a match.

Underpants patterns.




Miss you.

Don’t know you.

Let you be.





Unimaginable dreams.

Magical years in nanoseconds.

Irrelevant time.


Scrubs on your skin.

Odorless Sweat.

Morning breath, smells like dew.

Fetish to your body.

If I were to find you

among a thousand lives,

I’d let you know

that I wasn’t there.

Hop hop.

Be on your way now.

English, Memoir, Racauan, Uncategorized

Mental Illness and a Little Bit Despair

I am feeling a little bit despair on the fact that more people around me are as sick or even worse than I am. Just a little bit could boiled me up in a state that I’m in.

Mental illness is a trend now, thanks mostly to the internet. I suspect urban Indonesians today are like the US in the 70’s, where psycho-somatic were trending because of newspaper’s pop psychology column. Suddenly everyone was sick and the mental hospital and anti-psychotic drugs industry were booming. A good (or bad) thing about Indonesia is that many of us are poor and uninformed. Not many of us can afford mental illness therapy not mentioning medications. State insurance psychiatric/psychologist aren’t that good either. So yeah, we’re fucked.

I know that mental illness are real, I am a patient myself. But you know, the more I know, the more I think of it as an overrated urban problem. Okay, kids are growing up wrong cuz their parents did not recognize their own depression or bipolar disorders. Some kids turned out violent for having a psychopatic violent Dad.

Misparenting is a major problem. And in turn, I know many millenials with mental illness as their parents left them untreated. Worse than their parents, these kids recognize their illness and prefer to not giving a fuck.

And money, oh money! Money give access to the expensive treatment with psycho meds that many people from middle lower class hard to get. For now, I am lucky enough to have the money for treatment, but as an independent contractor/freelancer, I don’t know what I’ll do next, when the money runs out. Once, I’ve tried stopping medications and treatment, and it’s getting worse. My meds are fucking expensive!

And seeing more friends got prognosis and diagnosed with mental illnesses, really turns me down. But for now, I have plans. For now I try to do the best I could to push the despair as low as possible.