English, Memoir, Racauan, Uncategorized

When I Leave

I know I can be hard. So I thank you for staying. But I understand those who left or if you want to leave, since… I can be hard.

Who would bear the circling uttered words of meaningless anxiety, the reckless raging action, the inconsistency of commitment, the constant change of plans, the tender love turn to harsh possessiveness, the lust for betrayal, and the suicidal threat that endangered everyone around me.

No love in the world could manage to constantly stay to something like that. Not even love for one self. If I could, darling, I’d leave myself for good. But one cannot leave one self. One can just stay and live, or leave and die. And you, all of you who come and go, made me live and suffer. And taste a little bit of happiness. And for that I thank you. For that, I love you.

Some of you who stays, hurt me with your love and your disappointment in me, for I cannot be what you wished me to be. And with that, I hurt you back. I used to be sorry for that, but that guilt made me worse. So I have to say, sorry that I am not sorry. I am not sorry for failing your expectation, I am not sorry for hurting your feelings, for breaking promises, for being a bad son, husband, brother, cousin, nephew, colleague, friend, lover. Since I know for sure, and you know for sure too, that I am not always bad. And these days when I am bad, it is never intentional. You can either understand and cope with me in facing my symptom, or you are free to leave. I will be okay.

I will be okay since you will not be the first ones who leave, and will not be the last. I left some people too for my own sake, and I will not hesitate to leave you,

for my own sake.

So do take a break. Hell, do shut your life from me for good.

Because…

You. are. important. to. yourself.

And don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I’ll be better off knowing you’re okay without me, than having you around and realizing how much I have been hurting you.

I’ll have my attacks when I don’t know whether you’re okay or not. Sometimes I wonder why’d you leave me and I go berserk. But then I remember again that I also want to leave me. So I laugh, and cried. And I bid you farewell, and wish you a wonderful life without me.

And I hope those who stay can understand that too, when I leave.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself again. That ship has sailed. I’m gonna kill somebody else who pissed me off on the road. Haha. I’m kidding.

See ya. Or not.

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