Penulis: Eseinosa

English, Memoir, Racauan, Uncategorized

When I Leave

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I know I can be hard. So I thank you for staying. But I understand those who left or if you want to leave, since… I can be hard.

Who would bear the circling uttered words of meaningless anxiety, the reckless raging action, the inconsistency of commitment, the constant change of plans, the tender love turn to harsh possessiveness, the lust for betrayal, and the suicidal threat that endangered everyone around me.

No love in the world could manage to constantly stay to something like that. Not even love for one self. If I could, darling, I’d leave myself for good. But one cannot leave one self. One can just stay and live, or leave and die. And you, all of you who come and go, made me live and suffer. And taste a little bit of happiness. And for that I thank you. For that, I love you.

Some of you who stays, hurt me with your love and your disappointment in me, for I cannot be what you wished me to be. And with that, I hurt you back. I used to be sorry for that, but that guilt made me worse. So I have to say, sorry that I am not sorry. I am not sorry for failing your expectation, I am not sorry for hurting your feelings, for breaking promises, for being a bad son, husband, brother, cousin, nephew, colleague, friend, lover. Since I know for sure, and you know for sure too, that I am not always bad. And these days when I am bad, it is never intentional. You can either understand and cope with me in facing my symptom, or you are free to leave. I will be okay.

I will be okay since you will not be the first ones who leave, and will not be the last. I left some people too for my own sake, and I will not hesitate to leave you,

for my own sake.

So do take a break. Hell, do shut your life from me for good.

Because…

You. are. important. to. yourself.

And don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I’ll be better off knowing you’re okay without me, than having you around and realizing how much I have been hurting you.

I’ll have my attacks when I don’t know whether you’re okay or not. Sometimes I wonder why’d you leave me and I go berserk. But then I remember again that I also want to leave me. So I laugh, and cried. And I bid you farewell, and wish you a wonderful life without me.

And I hope those who stay can understand that too, when I leave.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself again. That ship has sailed. I’m gonna kill somebody else who pissed me off on the road. Haha. I’m kidding.

See ya. Or not.

Alam, Cinta, Eksistensialisme, Filsafat, Puisi

Tenang di dalam Gua

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Kata-kata menguap, menyerap ke pori-pori
dan kau adalah oksigen ke paru-paru
stimulan kehidupan, memabukkan
tapi hidup,

melenakan tapi hidup,

sementara kesadaran adalah kematian.

Kebebasan, pembebasan, jaga keseimbangan
agar tidak kebablasan, ketersesatan ada di setiap lekukan jalan

Aih, begitu banyak kawan yang jadi penipu, pelacur
pencuri, perusak, permainan berbahaya
bisakah kau dan aku tetap percaya
bahwa kita saling menjaga
bukan lawan main
tapi kolaborator

Biarkan aku menenangkanmu
dan kau, aku
ketika badai itu datang
rengkuh aku dalam gua-gua pikiranmu
dan aku akan nyalakan api Plato

dunia kita buat
dalam mimpi aboriginal

dunia kita buat
menjadi lengkap

English, Memoir, Racauan, Uncategorized

Handwriting and Thought-wringing

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So I have to get back to a point where it all started, the roots of all my problem: myself, deep inside. I have to re-learn things, this time with more precaution and slower pace. So I will get back to handwriting. Some of the things in my notes people will never see, some I will transcribe here after a deep thought.

Healing is not enough. I have to reconstruct and be honest to myself. I have to accept the fact that people have free will, and so do I. Consent must be respected, discontent discontinued by disregarding regrets.

And so I bid you adieu for this chapter of my life, and welcoming you to a phase of waiting. You will meet me again, as the same person but older and hopefully wiser.

A few projects ahead: I am producing a new horror series for Youtube, composing new songs for my solo (or probably duo) album, and getting back to writing literature.

Some people I know choose not to produce. They are waiting for some sort of muse or something, or a good time that, heck, will never come. I pushed enough to make these people make something out of their miserable life, that I forgot how miserable I am. Fortunately I am blessed with this melancholy and energy to create. So fuck you bystanders, I ain’t gonna wait. You can wait all you fucking want. I’m doing this, secretly, daily, until the day I decided to end my life.

A plan is a plan after all. Without acting, even nothing will refuse to exist.